7 Things to Say to Help an Angry Person Calm Down

When anger flares, words can be a soothing balm or a spark to the powder keg. Discover seven effective phrases that can help diffuse tension and guide an irate individual towards a state of calm and understanding.

“Calm down” isn’t one of them

We live in a world where people get mad. Sometimes we’re the reason, so we apologize. Other times, we’re present as our spouse, friend, relative is angry.

• Often, we tell the person to “calm down.”
• The implicit message is: Your feelings are inappropriate and you can’t handle them.”

“Shut up.”

This is a higher risk option to make the other person say, “Huh?”

• You’re redirecting the anger onto you and saying that it’s okay for it to go there and that you’re able to take the person to a safe place.
• But it’s a ballsy move and it hinges on credibility.

“How am I right now?”

The question lets you do a full-body check and might remind yourself to relax your shoulders or breathe fully, but also gives you time to determine how you want to be in the situation.

• “It’s taking intentionality,” says Beth Kurland, clinical psychologist and author of The Transformative Power of 10 Minutes.

“I wonder if it would help to take a walk and get some coffee?”

You’re leaving the scene and offering something else to do.

• Keep the options limited, on the scale of two not 10, so it’s not overwhelming and the person has the final choice.

Nothing

Say nothing.

• Just listen, and more than the actual words, try to hear the emotions under them
• The person gets to have their say and that’s all someone wants
• There’s an immediate softening when you’re feeling heard,” Kurland says

How will that work?”

“I get it,” “Totally understand,” or “Don’t blame you,” followed with the above.

• Keep up the validation because no one ever got in trouble for feeling like hitting someone
• Get them to think about consequences and ultimately, “What do you want to do?”

Is it ridiculously cold right now?”

This question is off-center to make the person say, “What?,” but it’s also grounded in the shared moment.

• You could just as well ask, “what are your plans for the holidays?” or “How’s your mom?”

Empathize

Staying in the general, third person lets you share and identify without piling on.

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