Learn to leverage your emotions and choose specific words (the ones you use to communicate to others, and the things you tell yourself) that help you achieve your ultimate goals. This all makes more sense when we break it down into 9 simple habits, which is exactly what we’ll do below.
Learn to ask why
Emotional intelligence requires you to identify and assess emotional motivations so you can assess them.
- If you can’t articulate a compelling, defensible “why,” there’s something wrong with your ultimate goal or with the specific activity you are doing to reach it
Learn to be strategically vulnerable
Structure conversations so that you pile up agreements and understandings along the way, leading to even bigger and better understandings.
- One way to learn to do this is by being strategically vulnerable – speaking in a tone that suggests each statement is actually a question.
Learn to pace yourself
There is power in restraint
- Emotionally intelligent people learn to appreciate that slower action makes room for strategic thought, and it makes ill-considered emotional reactions less of a danger
- Patience isn’t just a virtue. It’s a superpower
Learn to dissect other people’s motivations
Don’t just look for your “why.” Ask yourself what motivates other people to do the things they do
- You might come up with a working theory, but don’t share it
- Identify and avoid triggering additional emotional reactions that might be counterproductive to the result you seek
Learn to quit, when it’s time to quit
Quitting in a vacuum is a morally neutral act; it’s the thing one quits, among other factors, that lends its relevance.
- Emotionally intelligent people understand that quite often, quitting is the answer. But, it takes emotional intelligence and bravery to learn to admit the possibility.
Learn to think about conversational geometry
Emotionally intelligent people recognize that there are other structural dimensions to conversations, and they have to do with both structure and geometry.
- We’re hard-wired to respond better, and remember things more easily, if they’re grouped in threes.
- Where possible, emotionally intelligent people try to make their three points at a time.
Learn to end with gratitude
Emotionally intelligent people will go out of their way to find something they can express gratitude for, toward the end of every conversation.
- Learn to express thanks for something you know the other side will agree with, rather than something that might trigger an undesired emotional reaction.
Learn to rehearse what you’ll say
Emotionally intelligent people recognize this, and therefore they work hard to develop language habits with intention
- They understand that these choices are likely to inspire emotions
- Without thinking it through beforehand, you might choose either phrase.
- The latter language choices inspire openness and the welcoming of an ongoing relationship
Learn to Look for Hard Truths
As a boss, ask employees if they have everything they need to be successful
- Emotionally intelligent bosses might put themselves in the employee’s shoes and think of some of the emotional reactions that might go into their response
- Ask again and again until you find them
