Have you ever had an awkward silence? An awkward silence is an uncomfortably long pause in conversation, a presentation, or interaction. Did you know they can be good or bad depending on the situation? Here’s how you can handle or leverage your awkward silences.
How Long Should You Pause in Conversation?
Ideal pauses in conversation are a quarter to half a second-just enough time to take a breath.
- A pause can get awkward when it stretches into four seconds. Once the pause has lasted too long, people start to feel uncomfortable or break the natural flow of conversation.
Ask story-generating questions
“Yes/no” questions are more likely to lead to an awkward silence
- Tell stories that allow the person you are chatting with to respond in a way that can naturally lead to another question
- Example: What’s your favorite campaign you’ve worked on?”
Plan some conversation starters ahead of time
On your way to the event, think of a few conversation starters to help you strike up a conversation with a new person and keep the conversation going
- What did you think of X sports game? What kind of music do you like listening to? What were your thoughts on the presentation?
In a business meeting
If you’ve just posed a non-rhetorical question to a room (or zoom meeting) full of colleagues, let the silence settle for a moment. Your colleagues might be using that time to think about their answer or are nervous about speaking up first.
Why is Silence So Uncomfortable?
Social scientist, Ty Tashiro, explains in his book, The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome, that when you experience an unexpected silence, the amygdala starts to sound alarm bells.
- This is what is happening inside your brain when silence lasts uncomfortably long.
When you’ve been asked a hard question
Try responding with, “That’s a great question. Let me think about my answer for a second.”
Give a genuine compliment, followed by a question
A simple compliment helps the conversation shift to a friendly, positive note
Use awkward silence to your advantage
In a negotiation, keeping your chill in a business negotiation or team meeting allows others the time they need to think and formulate an answer.
- It can also push the other person to feel uncomfortable and “cave” into your request.
When the job offer isn’t what you hoped for
Try responding with, “In all honesty, my research on what other companies are paying for this equivalent position paired with my industry experience led me to expect the compensation to be a bit higher.”
- Then wait for a few seconds and see what happens.
- If they don’t respond, graciously ask if you can have a few days to consider.
Awkward Silence Takeaways
Humans strive to avoid silence on an instinctual level because they fear disapproval and rejection from those around them
- Use awkward silence to your advantage by cultivating curiosity and spending time alone or meditating to cultivate comfortability
- Become more comfortable with silence and decide when to speak up
If you have personal experience with the topic-let them know
Let the person you’re chatting with know why you’re interested and invested in the questions you’re asking.
- Example: “I remember you mentioning that you work as a barista. What do you like about your job?”
- By adding a personal connection, you show them why you are interested in their answer
When asked a question, answer with depth
When someone talks with you, they likely want to learn something new about you. Steer clear of short answers and share some extra details that will help them get to know you better.
- End with a question about them.
End the conversation graciously
When the natural rhythm of the conversation starts to lull, graciously tell the person you’re speaking with, “Thanks so much for chatting, I need to get going, but I enjoyed talking with you.” This allows the conversation to end before either party feels the awkwardness that will inevitably happen
