From Conflict to Courage – Marlene Chism

“From Conflict to Courage” by Marlene Chism offers practical advice and insights on how to resolve conflicts in the workplace and improve leadership skills. The book offers techniques to increase leadership clarity , skills to lead difficult conversations, strategies to foster a culture of accountability, and tools to manage disruptive relationships successfully.

The author emphasizes the importance of identifying and addressing the underlying causes of conflict and encourages leaders to cultivate a mindset of courage to navigate challenging situations effectively. The book is an excellent resource for anyone looking to improve their conflict resolution and leadership skills.

The answers will come through the conversation, not before the conversation.

Not knowing how to start a difficult conversation is one of the most common reasons for avoiding a conversation. Another reason for avoiding is simply because the difficult conversation might feel bad.

You avoid initiating the conversation because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but the truth is, you don’t like how you feel when their feelings are hurt. You appease them because you don’t want to make them defensive, but the truth is, you don’t like how you feel when they get defensive.

Skill 3: Speak to the Vision

Most of the time we focus on the shark instead of on the island, the obstacle instead of the goal. When we speak to the vision (the intended outcome), we focus more on what we want and less on what we don’t want.

Since most of us alternately speak in terms of what we don’t want and what we do want, here’s a way to balance the two. Anytime you hear yourself saying, “I don’t want . . . ,” finish your sentence, and then circle back and say, “What I do want . . .” This clarifies your end result and is more direct and to the point.

Skill 5: Get Curious

Curiosity is a fun skill to cultivate, and it changes the conversation. The first part of the conversation sounds like this: “My intention for this conversation is to talk about getting your documentation up to date. I’ve noticed that for the last three weeks there’s been no documentation.

The story I’m telling myself is that you no longer think it’s important, but this puts us at risk for making costly mistakes in customer service.” Next, ask a focused question related to the issue at hand.

You’ll need to listen objectively when you get to this part of the conversation. You can’t allow yourself to get drawn into excuses, blame, or distractions. You’ll have to think like a consultant, be objective, avoid distractions, and get to the root of the problem.

Skill 7: Radical Listening

Radical listening is about the ability to listen even when it’s extremely difficult, when every bone in your body wants to explain, lecture, defend, or make wrong. This takes a lot of self-discipline and courage. You’ll need to put the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth to listen better. Stop interrupting, tempting as it may be.

Listen for subtle clues of resistance or lack of confidence.

Skill 1: Set the Intention

The very first skill you must master before you ever utter a word in a live meeting is to craft a clear intention. The intention you craft in your office is the same intention you’ll use in your in-person meeting. The reason to set your intention prior to the meeting is so that you don’t fall onto an emotional land mine.

There’s a land mine every leader must be aware of when setting an intention: emotions. You must clear your own emotional energy before actually speaking about your intention. If you’re still holding a grudge, you won’t be able to set a proper intention, and you’ll put your emotional safety at risk.

This is part of emotional integrity and is an inner game you need to win.

Skill 8: The Magic Phrase

Remember the magic phrase, “Would you be willing . . . ?” Your goal isn’t to win an argument or play “gotcha.” Please don’t assume they aren’t willing. You are only testing for willingness here.

When someone resists your efforts, the first impulse is to argue or persuade. Sometimes you think you’re helping, but usually you’re causing more resistance by arguing. There’s a time to be a cheerleader and a time to test for resistance.

Skill 2: State the Observed Behavior

This one skill will change the way you lead. Instead of making value judgments and assumptions, you use observed behavior to address dysfunctional behaviors and performance.

Your objective is to understand the difference between the story you’re telling yourself and the actual observable behavior.

For example, Observed behavior: You have missed three deadlines this month.

The perception, assumption, or generalization: You have a bad attitude. 　

Skill 4: Make a Business Case

it’s only because it irritates you, then it’s not a good enough reason to spend energy on a conversation.

The reason to address an issue is because the behavior or the performance affects the business. This is the piece so often missing when it comes to addressing performance or behavior; we haven’t established the impact of the problem on the business; therefore, employees just think you’re nitpicking.

Skill 9: Getting Agreement and Accountability

Everyone felt good after the drama of a difficult conversation, and there’s a glow you feel after resolving an intense argument. Don’t let this happen. The next step is to get their agreement to meet again in two weeks to check on progress.

Explain how you’ll measure progress and what you expect to happen in two weeks. Get their agreement that you’ll coach them if you see anything not measuring up. Then promptly put your accountability conversation on the calendar and send an invite.

In two weeks, you’ll review their progress and uncover possibly more barriers. You’ll test for additional levels of resistance, and you’ll encourage them for the gains they’ve made.

The problem is your feelings

In the end, it’s always about your own feelings.

You don’t like your own sarcastic thoughts.
You don’t like how you feel when someone resists your leadership.
You worry that you might blow up.
You don’t trust yourself to stay calm.
You’re afraid you might take the bait, get distracted, and end up in a completely different conversation than what you intended.

It’s not at all about them. It’s all about you and what you don’t want to feel, and that’s how mismanagement begins.

Skill 6: Think like a Consultant

Your employee gets to talk now. They will tell you stories. They will share emotions. They may cry or get angry. Your goal is to listen for clues. There’s a reason for the performance problem, and there’s a reason for bad behavior. You aren’t assuming or judging; you’re just listening to uncover the root problem.

When you listen to your employee explain why things aren’t going well, listen for these five categories: clarity, skill, priority, resources, and willingness.