How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love – Logan Ury
Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before. But there’s hope. Using insights from behavioural science, we can take control of our love lives.
The Securely Attached
Securely attached people are about 50% of the population but because they’re good at relationships, they tend to be taken and are good at making relationships work
Try to date someone who is securely attached or work on becoming more secure yourself.
Traits To Look For In A Partner
Emotional stability: someone who doesn’t overreact in tough situations
Loyalty: someone who has existing long term friendships.
Growth mindset: someone who believes they can grow their skills through effort.
Ability to make hard decisions together: you want a teammate with whom you can trust and work well.
Perfection Is A Lie: Don’t Wait
Perfection is a lie. Everyone else is imperfect, too—even the person you’ll eventually end up with.
By waiting to date, Hesitaters miss out on a chance to develop their dating skills and figure out what type of person they want to be with.
Here’s how you can learn to overcome your hesitation:
- Set deadlines for yourself.
- Do prep work for your new dating life.
- Tell others about your plan.
- Commit to your new identity as a “dater.”
- Start with small goals.
- Be compassionate with yourself.
- Don’t talk about your Ex.
Our mindset matters! The ability to shift your mindset from soul mate to work-it-out beliefs could mean the difference between finding a life partner or not.
People with a work-it-out mindset know that relationships take effort and that building a successful relationship is a process.
Our belief in fate and fairy tales—caused in part by Disney movies, rom-coms, and social media—creates unrealistic expectations for finding and sustaining relationships. Remember, no one is perfect, including you. Even Prince Charming has morning breath.
Modern Dating Is Challenging
It’s easier to meet people now than ever before. However, dating is harder now than ever because:
- People expect to get all of their needs met from one person today instead of several people like friends, family, etc.
- People have high expectations of what relationships should feel like (due to comparing relationships from social media)
- People suffer from the paradox of choice.
- More options make us feel depressed, make it hard for us to choose, and in some ways, lead to decision paralysis.
- People have fewer relationship role models (many parents are divorced).
Dating Blind Spots
The Romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships. They want their soulmate, the happily ever after, the whole fairy tale.
The Maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. They love to explore their options and want to feel absolutely confident they’re making the right decision.
The Hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves. They feel like they’re not ready to date.
Relationships are built, not discovered.
Handling Breakups
Breakups wreak havoc on your physical and emotional health. However, what you feel during a breakup is only temporary.
Journaling helps. Write about the positive aspects of the breakup, and the negative aspects of the relationship, to help yourself move forward.
You can regain your sense of identity, which is often disrupted by a breakup, by participating in “rediscover yourself” activities—things that you enjoyed doing previously but gave up during your relationship.
You can grow from the experience by focusing on what you learned and what you’ll do differently in the future.
Way too often, people are rejecting partners that could be potentially great matches in the long term because they didn’t feel this instant spark.
Dating Isn’t Instant Coffee
Instead of focusing on instant chemistry with your date, focus on the slow burn. The slow burn is the person who gets better over time and would make a great long-term partner.
Spark Or No Spark
1) The spark is either there or it isn’t
Truth: the spark can grow over time, it takes time for people to grow on someone
2) The spark is always a good thing
Truth: sometimes there’s a spark just because the person is charismatic or hot
3) The spark means the relationship is going to workout
Truth: the spark doesn’t guarantee a great long-term connection
Stuff That Is Useless In Long Term Partners
Looks and money don’t matter in a long term partner as much as we think they do because we adapt to our circumstances over time
You don’t necessarily need someone with the same personality as you. You want someone whose personality compliments yours.
You don’t necessarily need someone with the same hobbies as you. As long as you each have space to pursue your hobbies, you can make it work.
The Attachment Theory
Attachment theory is one of the most rigorously researched elements of relationship science. It is based on how kids relate to their primary caregiver.
There are three main types of attachment:
- Anxiously attached: These people have a fear of their partner abandoning them and constantly want to be in touch with them.
- Avoidant attached: These people have a fear that they will be smothered by the relationship and constantly pull back from intimacy.
- Securely attached: These people are comfortable with intimacy but also comfortable with their independence.
The Happily Ever After Fallacy
The Happily Ever After fallacy is the false idea that finding someone is the hard part of finding love
The hard work of love isn’t just finding someone, there’s making it work, keeping the love alive, understanding different relationship phases, and navigating the ups and downs
Finding somebody is challenging, but that’s not where the hard work ends.
Make Dating Fun
- Stop treating dates like job interviews, get out of work mode and focus on connecting with the person instead.
- Instead of trying to be interesting, aim to be interested.
- Be a good listener, ask follow up questions, and really get to know the person you’re on a date with
- People disproportionately remember things on how they end so try to end the date on a high note such as giving them a meaningful compliment or sharing a dessert at the end of dinner.
Tips For Long Term Relationship Success
Aim to find someone great, put in the effort, and create the relationship you want
A huge percentage of the success in a relationship is the effort you put into making it work
Have hard conversations to make sure both of you are heading in the same direction before getting married:
- Where will you live?
- Do you want kids?
- How will you manage your money?
Dating Is Not A Game
The hard work of love isn’t just finding someone, there’s making it work, keeping the love alive, and navigating the ups and downs of a relationship.
It’s okay if you go on a first date and don’t feel the “spark” or instant chemistry. Oftentimes, it takes time to develop that chemistry.
Create a rule of thumb that you always go on a second date unless something really dramatic and bad happens on the first date
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