Contrary to popular belief, conflict can be a catalyst for growth in relationships. Discover why more arguments might be beneficial for couples and learn the art of healthy disagreement to foster deeper connections and mutual understanding.
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Conflict triggers that upset, irritate, hurt, or anger partners
- Condescension
- Possessiveness
- Neglect, rejection and/or unreliability
- Other high-ranking contenders include inconsiderate partners, self-absorbed partners, and moody partners.
- For the good of the relationship, every argument needs to start the same way: partners need to give each other the benefit of the doubt
- When we assume the best of our partner, we’re less likely to see malice in their actions, which makes arguments less stressful and more likely to be resolved.
Attend
Watch your nonverbal signals, or ways you communicate beyond the words you’re using
- Maintain eye contact and sit squarely facing your partner in a relaxed and open position, with just the slightest lean toward them
- Appearing fully engaged and present, without nearby distractions like your phone or other screens, conveys to your partner that the conversation is important
Paraphrase
To demonstrate your understanding, you should be able to recap what your partner is saying, using your own words
- Shows your partner that you are deeply invested in the conversation
- Knowing you need to paraphrase forces you to pay close attention
- It shows you are paying close attention
Clarify
When your partner talks, you need to be sure that you are clear about what they are saying
- Ask questions to remove doubt
- It is possible you will get the exact words wrong, but appreciate that you tried to clarify the meaning of the words
Open-ended questions
When giving a CRAPO, keep the spotlight on your partner by giving them the space to talk through how they feel
- Lead them toward deeper analysis by asking questions like “What would you suggest to someone else in this same situation?”
Reflect the other person’s feelings
Behind everything our partner says, there’s an emotion they’re dying to have us notice.
- When giving a CRAPO, your job is to reflect back the deeper feelings that your partner is expressing
- If you’re wrong, your partner knows you’re trying to understand
