Dr. Julie Gottman is a co-founder and President of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with her husband John Gottman.
For over 40 years they have devoted their life to the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships through the training of clinicians and the creation of transformative products for couples around the world.
Be true to yourself
It’s important to be true to yourself in a relationship rather than changing to please your partner or societal norms. Recognize and address any manipulation or control, and celebrate each other’s unique beauty.
To have healthy relationships, seek out trusted individuals to talk about your experiences. Become self-aware and build self-esteem to rediscover passions for personal growth. Remember happy times for self-identification.
Being adaptable and understanding in a relationship
In a healthy relationship, it’s important to understand and accept your partner’s interests and passions, even if they differ from your own. Being adaptable and flexible is key, and requires thinking beyond yourself and being open to compromise.
It takes effort and maturity, but it’s necessary for a strong and lasting relationship. Working together to understand and find common ground can lead to growth and discovery for both partners. It’s okay for individuals to have different paths and beliefs, as long as they are willing to communicate and find a way to support each other.
Acceptance and authenticity in relationships
In a relationship, it is important for a person to feel accepted for who they truly are. Baggage from past experiences may lead someone to try and mold themselves into what they think their partner wants, but this often leads to feeling stifled and controlled.
It takes time to realize when someone is manipulating or controlling you, but it is important to recognize and address it. People often struggle with being true to themselves because, in society, there is a culture of criticism and a need to fit certain standards. It is important to acknowledge that each individual is unique and has their own beauty.
The importance of recognizing we can never truly know someone
The idea that we can never truly know someone is important when it comes to our relationships with others, as we may discover new things about them even after years of being together. Asking big questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no is a great way to build intimacy and learn more about the people in our lives.
It’s important to recognize that we can’t just assume we know everything about someone once we’ve been with them for a long time, as there is always something new to learn. This understanding can lead to deeper and more fulfilling relationships with our partners, friends, and family members.
Creating a clear reflection of yourself
We need to create our own mirror that reflects our strengths and challenges without the distortions of others’ mirrors of us. It is important to have self-awareness and self-esteem to have healthy relationships, and seeking out people who you trust and talking to them about your experiences is essential for the building blocks of change.
Following your own passions is also vital to rediscovering yourself after a painful experience. Remembering a time when you were happy and fulfilled can help you identify your passions and be more self-aware.
Evolving together: staying curious and open in relationships
- As human beings, we are constantly evolving and changing, influenced by the powers and forces of the world around us. This means that if we don’t continue to ask big questions, we may have an outdated picture of our partner in our minds.
- Building loving relationships with people means accepting everything about them, even the things that may be challenging for us.
- When our partner goes through an evolution or develops a new interest that we may not necessarily vibe with, it’s important to try to understand their passion and what it fulfills in them.
- Love means staying curious and open to our partner’s changing form, like the sea, and staying tuned to each other by asking big questions.
Reconnecting with your passions and finding trust in relationships
It is important to reconnect with your passions and hobbies, as they can bring you joy and help you rediscover who you are outside of a relationship. Additionally, it is important to find someone you can trust in a relationship—someone who accepts you for who you are and thinks about what benefits both partners.
In today’s dating world, with the paradox of choice, it can be difficult to know what to look for in a partner. Researchers have found that there is no set list of qualities that will guarantee someone liking another person, so focus on finding trust and connection instead of the idea of the “perfect” partner.
Fostering safe and trustworthy relationships
In dating and relationships, it’s important to focus on how you feel about the other person, both emotionally and physically. The key to building trust is feeling safe around that person. Trust takes time and effort to build, but feeling safe is an immediate way to start.
It’s important to ask big questions in relationships and focus on creating something meaningful with the person you’re with instead of constantly chasing perfection. Meeting up with someone face-to-face is essential, and internet searches shouldn’t be relied upon solely. There is no perfect formula or recipe for finding the perfect partner, but focusing on creating intimacy, connection, and joy can lead to a successful relationship.
