Perfectionism Can Become a Vicious Cycle in Families
Roshni Ray Ricchetti was 16 years old when she arrived at MIT with perfect SAT scores and “lots and lots” of AP credits. She said her parents pushed her to make the absolute most of her talents. She crashed and burned, but ended up okay.
Psychologists have a term for what Ricchetti might be grappling with: other-oriented perfectionism
People with this type of perfectionism direct their unrealistic expectations outward, such as at their partner, their co-workers, and their children.
- Paul Hewitt, who runs the Perfectionism and Psychopathology Lab at the University of British Columbia, summed up this trait as “It’s not me; it’s you.”
- Research shows that one in three children and adolescents has some form of this, and it has been tied to two phenomena that have been linked to undesirable outcomes for kids.
Child-oriented perfectionism can lead to a lack of satisfaction with parenthood and to feeling burdened by the parental role
The burden can become so bad that parents experience regret around having become parents in the first place
- A 2020 meta-analysis of 14 studies found a small but statistically significant association between “perfectionist concerns,” such as extreme self-scrutiny in parents, and psychological distress in children
- When these kids end up grappling with perfectionism themselves, Hewitt said, they can “learn to look to the external world for how to be.”
Fighting off child-oriented perfectionism isn’t a one-man-show
Many parents might turn to therapy to locate the roots of their perfectionism
- What parents should aim for is a child who knows they matter to their parent
- The goal is to communicate unconditional regard, the antithesis of perfectionism
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