Personal Values: How to Know Who You Really Are

Unravel the mystery of self-identity as we delve into the realm of personal values. Discover the power of introspection and the role it plays in understanding who you truly are. Let's embark on this journey of self-discovery together.

Constructive vs Destructive Values

We do not want to value things that harm ourselves or others

Instead, we value constructive things that enhance ourselves and others.
Ultimately, it’s the intention that matters most in deciding which way the scale falls
What you value is often not as important as why you value it

Controllable vs Uncontrollable Values

When you value things that are outside your control, you essentially give up your life to that thing.

Creativity or industriousness or a strong work ethic are good values because you CAN control them-and doing them well will ultimately generate money as a side effect.

Living the Good Life

Values are won and lost through life experience

They have to be lived and experienced to stick
To go out and live a value contrary to your old values is ******* scary
It’s easy to want authentic relationships, but it’s hard to live them

Step 3: Question the Value and Brainstorm What Values Could Do a Better Job

Instead of chasing money all the time, you could chase freedom.

You cannot control if people like you, but you can always control whether you’re being honest or not. You can’t always control if and when you win or not, but it’s important to give your best effort.

The Great Value Disconnect

Many of us state values we wish we had as a way to cover up the values we actually have

In this way, aspiration can often become another form of avoidance
We lose ourselves in who we wish to become instead of who we really are
If you don’t value something, you will feel good when something bad happens to it
When we are disconnected from our own values-we value video games all day yet believe we value ambition and hard work-our beliefs and ideas get disconnected from actions and emotions

Optional Gray Box of Doom: Why People Who Hate Themselves Hurt Themselves

Much like people celebrating when Ted Bundy got fried, if we hate ourselves as much as people hated Ted Bundy, then we will celebrate our own destruction.

Ultimately, we all need to value ourselves but also something above ourselves – something to make our lives have meaning.

Why Some Personal Values Are Better Than Others

Which values are healthy and which values are harmful?

You cannot talk about self-improvement without also talking about values

Personal values are the measuring sticks by which we determine what is a successful and meaningful life

A lot of people obsessively focus on being happy and feeling good all the time-not realizing that if their values suck, feeling good will hurt them more than help them
If your biggest value in the world is snorting Vicodin through a swirly straw, well, then feeling better is just going to make your life worse

A Four-Step Guide to Living Your Values

Pick a value – this could be a value you already have, or a new one you’ve decided to embody

Set goals that are aligned with that value
Make decisions in such a way that it takes you closer to those goals
Experience the emotional and physical benefits of that value-these will then inspire you to pursue it further
Choose the next value and repeat

You Do What You Value

Our values are constantly reflected in the way we choose to behave

Actions don’t lie
We all have a few things that we think and say we value, but we never back them up with our actions
If I spend my days driving around in a gas-guzzling SUV, constantly refreshing my newsfeeds, then my behaviors, my actions tell a different story

Defining Your Values and Finding Yourself

As our personal values are the measuring sticks by which we determine what is a successful and meaningful life, it may be difficult to define what values underlie your life vision or actions.

Ask yourself: What is it that I want from this life?
Are the values you say you have the same as the ones you really believe in?

Reinventing Yourself

Daryl Davis is a black musician who has traveled and played blues shows all over the US south.

In his career, he encountered a number of white supremacists, and instead of fighting or arguing with them, he befriended them
He convinced over 200 KKK members to give up their robes
Value change is subtle, and Daryl Davis appears to be a master at it

Evidence-Based vs Emotion-Based Values

Overreliance on our emotions is unreliable at best and damaging at worst

Psychological research shows that most of us make decisions and are inspired to action via our feelings rather than based on knowledge or information
Our feelings are generally self-centered, willing to give up long-term benefits for short-term gains
People who lead their lives based on how they feel will find themselves perpetually on a treadmill
The only way to step off that treadmill is to decide that something matters more than your own feelings-that some cause, some goal, some person, is worth occasionally getting hurt for

You Are What You Value

Values are the fundamental component of our psychological make-up and our identity

We are defined by what we choose to find important in our lives
Any change in self is a change in the configuration of our values
When something tragic happens, it devastates us because not only do we feel sadness, but because we lose something we value
And when we lose enough of what we value, we begin to question the value of life itself
By returning and changing your priorities, you change your values, and you come back “a new person”
Our identity is defined by our prioritizations

Step 1: The Value Must Fail

Value is based on experience

You cannot argue someone out of their values
Approach them with empathy
The only way to change someone’s values is by presenting them with an experience contrary to their value
To let go of a value, it must be contradicted through experience

Step 2: Have the Self-Awareness to Recognize That Our Values Have Failed

When our values fail, it’s terrifying. Since our values constitute our identity and our understanding of who we are, losing a value feels as though we’re losing a part of ourselves.

Therefore, we resist that failure. We explain it away and deny it. We come up with rationalizations. We have two knee-jerk justifications: the world sucks, or we suck.

How to Know Who You Really Are

According to Social Identity Theory, we can mark ourselves as members of a group by supporting the group we are in, or by attacking the other bad groups to show we don’t like them.