The Earned Life – Marshall Goldsmith
You don’t have to be a Buddhist to benefit from Buddha’s wisdom. The Buddhist paradigm can help everyone, Buddhist and non-Buddhist alike, think more clearly about what it means to lead a fulfilling life.
That’s because so many of us are trapped in what he calls the Western paradigm—a view of the world that denies impermanence. The view that says you’ll always be the same person, no matter what happens, That imagines there’s a single answer to all the questions that gnaw at you. That implies there’s a path to permanent happiness—a path that solves all of life’s riddles.
The Western Approach
The Western paradigm, in short, promises that you’ll be happy when… well, when? In the end, you can’t escape the reality of impermanence. The goalposts keep shifting. That dream house could be bigger, smaller, or closer to your grandchildren. The promotion you hoped for doesn’t bring you the status you crave; the pay raise you fought for only makes you realize what money can’t buy. There’s always another goal—the next big thing that’ll really make you happy.
The Letter
Your next task is to write a letter from the present to your future self. To the person you will be next year, or in 5, 10, or 20 years. This letter is about showing your future self that you’re not content to remain as you are right now. that you’re investing in who you will become.
Basic questions can elicit profound answers.
Don’t stop there, though. This is where things get interesting.
What would you do all day in this place? Can you find fulfilling work? Will that work support your ideal lifestyle? Would the people you love be happy if you moved there? Is it somewhere you can raise a family? Is it somewhere you can meet inspiring people? Does it matter if you can’t? Once you start fleshing out the details, you’ll see a picture of your real priorities and desires emerging—of what you really want and how closely your current life resembles that ideal. That’s clarity.
Resolving dichotomies can help you choose realistic aspirations
Dichotomy resolution is the part of product design that resolves either/or quandaries. For example, should a new car (or vacuum cleaner or coffee maker) be modern or classic, small or functional, a standalone or part of a series? Sometimes, dichotomies aren’t necessarily contradictions: you can reproduce a classic design with modern materials, thus resolving the tension.
Shifting Goals
Endlessly pursuing such shifting goals, the Buddha thought, turns us into “hungry ghosts.” We’re hungry, but nothing fills — or fulfills — us. That’s a paradoxical, futile, and miserable way to live.
Your achievements, your good reputation, the reciprocated love of the people you love—everything is impermanent. All of it can fade. Such things, then, aren’t “possessions.” You can’t lock them up for safekeeping. You can’t take them to the bank. You can’t invest them and live off the interest. They have to be re-earned. Constantly. every day, every hour, and perhaps even with every breath. And that, really, is the most important takeaway here: There’s no point at which we finish earning our lives. not until the moment we stop breathing.
The Aspirational Process
But lots of dichotomies in everyday life resist integration. We tend to be optimists or pessimists, joiners or loners. We can’t be both; we have to pick one or the other. This brings us to the aspiration process: Which side of those dichotomies should you choose? Unless you want to completely flip your personality, your best bet is to tailor your aspirations to your personality—to the bundle of preferences, quirks, and virtues that make you who you are.
Pay homage to the past you, but don’t rest on old achievements.
To focus on the present doesn’t mean forgetting the past; you’re not throwing every trace of the past down the memory hole. What it’s really about is learning to recognize that there’s a distinction between your past and present selves. That the paths you chose in the past don’t dictate which paths you choose to travel today. So let’s honor the past you – and then move on.
Ticking the Boxes
Aspiration is different. To stick with Callard’s example, there’s no day on which we can tick the box and say that we’ve achieved the goal of being parents. To be a parent is an act of constantly becoming a parent—of rising to new challenges, accepting new setbacks, and responding to new phases. That, Callard thinks, is why aspiration is fulfilling. It roots us in the present and aligns us with the reality of impermanence. It makes us realize that we become a new person with each breath.
The Person That You Are
The first step is simple: write down as many interesting dichotomies as you can think of. To get you started, here are some common ones that crop up in life: Are you a “glass half-full” or “glass half-empty” kind of person? Conservative or progressive? Trusting or suspicious? Do you value reason or feelings more? Does money matter or not? Are you quiet or loud? A people-pleaser or a go-it-alone type? Ironic or sincere? Do you prefer instant or delayed gratification? Do you confront problems or avoid them?
Now go through your list and cross out every dichotomy that doesn’t apply to your personality or play a role in your life. What’s left? The final step of the exercise is to go over the remaining dichotomies and cross out the side of the pairing that doesn’t apply. For example, if the leader-versus-follower dichotomy is an important part of your life, decide which side of the equation fits you.
The Conclusive List
The words left on your list should give you a good idea of your defining qualities. The qualities that influence both what you aspire to and whether you’ll be willing to earn that aspiration If you’re feeling brave, show this list to the person who knows you best. Do they agree, or have you skirted the truth? Remember, this exercise is only helpful if you’re honest with yourself.
If you’ve been honest, you’ll now have a strong sense of what kind of aspiration will work for you. This is your blueprint for an earned life.
Future Investments
So what investments are you making in your future? You’ll want to think about big, obvious things like your career, but don’t restrict yourself to what seems obvious. Knowledge, skills, relationships, and health matter, too. Maybe you’re meditating because it clears your mind. or cooking because it’s a great creative outlet. Or maybe you’re making an effort to meet new people. Whatever it is, get it down on paper. Focus your mind on the efforts you’re making today that’ll bring you and the people you love the greatest return in the future.
Aspiration is more fulfilling than ambition.
What lies between the present (the person you are now) and the future (the person you wish to become)? What bridges the gap between those selves? How, in other words, does change happen?
Those are pretty philosophical questions, so let’s ask the American philosopher Agnes Callard for some help. Her answer is that aspiration drives that transformation. Let’s break this down.
There’s no hard stop at which one phase of life ends and another begins. You don’t become a new person on any given day. It’s a gradual and long process.
Ambition and the Hungry Ghosts
This is the aspirational act, the act of bridging the gap between our old selves, who had an intention, and our new selves, who are realizing that intention. Callard’s conclusion is that this journey is one of the keys to fulfillment. Why? Well, let’s compare aspiration to ambition.
Ambition gives us goals to achieve: a promotion to strive for; a marathon to run; a competition to win. Achieving those goals makes us happy—for a while, anyway. But we can’t put that sense of triumph in a display case like a trophy. Soon, it fades and disappears. Like hungry ghosts, we’re soon off looking for the next meal—the thing that will bring us lasting happiness.
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