Guilt-tripping is a form of unconscious emotional blackmail whereby the guilt-tripper feels entitled and innocent of any misdeed. On the receiving end, it feels like an oppressive, intangible force that invisibly intrudes into our personal space confusingly and frustratingly, bolstered by plausible deniability and reversal of blame.
The psychology of a guilt tripper
It is easy to project our reactions and fears onto situations when we feel insecure. Reading negative intent into something a person says or does because it made us feel bad is a false equivalency that typically leads to the wrong conclusion, usually a more painful one.
This dynamic results from an essential inability to step outside of oneself and notice, as well as tolerate, that a loved one is separate from us with their mind and motivations.
How can we tell if the guilt in our lives is pathological?
The answer lies in how it affects our relationships. Guilt-tripping is an unwitting attempt to manage perceived rejection, loneliness, or other difficult feelings by controlling other people, seeing them as responsible for our state of mind, and trying to force them to make up for our suffering or else pay the price.
The predominant attitude of entitlement and lack of respect for other people’s separateness and autonomy that is endemic to guilt violates the mutuality of relationships.
What about when someone actually “deserves” it?”
When someone does us wrong, it’s human to want justice and seek vindication. We want whoever hurt us to suffer too, and even the score.
In this case, the need to punish someone and make them feel bad is not disowned but deliberate, conscious, and even satisfying (mostly in fantasy).
Does punishing other people help us feel better?
- Evening the score means you are caught being controlled by what the other person did
- Winning the battle of vengeance is a defeat for the relationship, reinforcing the practice of dirty fighting and one-upmanship to manage hurt and anger
- Further, encouraging this mindset in oneself rehearses a repetitive inner script and neural pathway fueling anger
