Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality. Gaslighting primarily occurs in romantic relationships, but it’s not uncommon for it to occur in controlling friendships or family members as well.
How Gaslighting Works
Gaslighting is a technique that undermines a person’s perception of reality
- You may second-guess yourself, your memories, recent events, and your perceptions
- After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you may be left feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you
Shifting Blame
Blame-shifting
Using Compassionate Words as Weapons
Sometimes, when called out or questioned, a person who gaslights will use kind and loving words to try to smooth over the situation.
Where Did ‘Gaslighting’ Get Its Name?
The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, known in America as “Angel Street” and later developed into the film “Gas Light” by Alfred Hitchcock
- In the suspense film, a manipulative husband tries to make his wife think she is losing her mind by making subtle changes in her environment, including slowly and steadily dimming the flame on a gas lamp.
Discrediting You
People who gaslight spread rumors and gossip about you to others. They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or “crazy.”
- Additionally, someone who engages in gaslighting may lie to you and tell you that other people also think this about you.
What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You
Gain some distance
- Take a step back from the intense emotions that gaslighting can evoke
- Save the evidence: Journal, save text conversations, or keep emails
- Set boundaries: Make it clear that you won’t allow the other person to engage in actions such as trivializing or denying what you have to say
- Get an outside perspective
- End the relationship
Minimizing Your Thoughts and Feelings
When you deal with someone who never acknowledges your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, you may begin to question them yourself.
Denying Wrongdoing
People who engage in bullying and emotional abuse are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices.
- This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling unseen, unheard, and as though the impact on them is of no importance.
A Word From Verywell
Remember that you are not to blame for what you are experiencing. The person gaslighting you is making a choice to behave this way.
Lying to You
People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual and pathological liars and frequently exhibit narcissistic tendencies.
- It is typical for them to blatantly lie and never back down or change their stories, even when you call them out or provide proof of their deception.
Rewriting History
A person who gaslights tends to retell stories in ways that are in their favor
Signs of Gaslighting
Question your feelings and reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you receive is not that bad or that you are too sensitive
- You question your judgment and perceptions: You are afraid of speaking up or expressing your emotions
- Feel vulnerable and insecure: You often feel like you “walk on eggshells” around your partner, friend, or family member
- Alone and powerless: You feel alone and powerless
- Wondering if you are what they say you are
- Confused: The behavior of the person gaslighting you confuses you
- Worried: The person minimizes hurtful behaviors or words by saying “I was just joking” or “you need thicker skin”
- A sense of impending doom: You have a sense of doom and feel like something terrible is about to happen when you are around this person
- Apology: You spend a lot of time apologizing
- Feeling inadequate: Feeling like you are never good enough
