Why Comparing Feelings Isn’t Helpful

Comparing your own pain and other emotions to others is common, but that doesn’t mean that it is always helpful. In some instances, comparisons can serve as a way to gauge our progress or determine what might be appropriate in a certain situation. In other cases, comparisons stifle growth, prevent self-compassion, and make it more difficult to empathize with other people

People Experience Things Differently

Each individual has different resources and experiences that play a role in how they are affected by different emotions.

• There is not a hierarchy of emotion that says that one person’s feelings are better or worse, stronger or weaker than someone else’s.

Comparison Often Leads to Minimization

The focus of comparing your emotions is often to minimize either what you are feeling or what they are feeling

• You might think that you don’t have the right to be upset about something because someone else is going through something worse
• In such cases, comparing feelings is a way of minimizing your own experiences

When Comparison Might Be Helpful

People are simply wired to notice what other people are experiencing and then consider how it compares to their own situation.

• Comparisons may help you feel gratitude for your own life, consider options and think about what you want, or lead to observational learning where you gain knowledge without actually having to go through that experience yourself.

It Keeps You From Facing Your Feelings

Even if someone else’s situation is objectively “worse” than yours, it doesn’t mean that you are not experiencing very real, very valid emotions.

• Negative feelings can increase stress when they aren’t dealt with properly.

A Word From Verywell

Focus on your emotions without judging or shaming yourself for feeling such things.

Everyone Deserves Help

Comparisons often lead people to think that they can just deal with problems on their own

• This can lead to avoiding problems rather than addressing them
• Even if you feel like your problems aren’t that bad, you still deserve support and help

How to Respond Instead

Don’t compare your feelings to someone else’s

• Allow yourself to sit with your emotions without judgment
• Lean on others but don’t feel the need to minimize your struggles or compare your problems to theirs
• Listen to what people are saying
• Acknowledge what they are feeling
• Remember that when someone is in a vulnerable place, it is not the time to make judgments or comparisons
• Dealing with emotions is what allows people to learn, grow, and heal

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