How To Confront Someone When You Hate Confrontation

Confrontation can be daunting, especially for those who naturally shy away from it. Yet, it's an essential skill in navigating personal and professional relationships. Learn how to approach difficult conversations with grace, assertiveness, and empathy, even when confrontation isn't your strong suit.

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Tackle your fear of tough conversations and learn how to start speaking up.

• When we avoid tough conversations, we get temporary relief from our anxiety, but in the long run, we’re only hurting ourselves
• By not speaking up, we think we’re keeping the peace, but eventually, our negative feelings are bound to seep out, no matter how hard we try to ignore them
• This avoidant approach can do damage to our relationships, too

Confrontation isn’t a bad thing – so stop treating it like it is

It can be quite healthy when approached in a kind but assertive way

• “Confrontation doesn’t have to be a spittle-flecked screaming match that ends with estrangement”

Approach confrontations like a collaboration rather than a competition

Treat confrontation as a collaboration toward a common goal, not a competition with winners and losers

• It’s better to work together toward a mutually beneficial solution when you can
• Collaboration is less intimidating and more productive

Focus on what you have to say, rather than how it will be received

Spend some time clarifying your feelings before you initiate the conversation

• Make bullet points about what’s bothering you
• List everything down on paper
• Once you’ve narrowed down your main points, jot them down on post-its or save them as a note in your phone

Reward yourself for facing your fears

When it’s over, take a moment to acknowledge what you did well – maybe you were able to maintain a respectful tone of voice, even when you wanted to yell.

• You asked for what you wanted, even if the other person disagreed. Good work standing up for yourself.

Weigh the long-term payoff against the short-term discomfort

Being uneasy about the confrontation for the next few hours or days is a small price to pay for the peace of mind you’ll enjoy afterward.

• It’s much better than having this thing hanging over your head for weeks, months or even years.

Use “I” statements to keep defensiveness at bay

Keep the focus on your feelings. Attacking the other person’s character will only make them defensive.

• Take responsibility for anything you may have done wrong or could have done better in the situation – even if it’s something small.

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