How to deflect nosy questions, stop advice-givers, fend off criticism and more
Boundaries are a process. There’s no magic pill that ensures a perfect execution – but the tools and scripts that follow will help you create a foundation to build on. What matters most is that you do it. This post contains helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.
Script #1: What to say when someone asks you something you’re just not sure about
Take stock of what you truly desire
- Serve up a clear, charge-free “no” depending on the context
- To a friend who wants you to go to dinner that sounds shoot-me-now painful: “I’m going to say no to dinner, but I’d love to catch up another time.”
Script #4: What to say when someone is judgmental or critical of you
When a friend, family member or coworker makes a rude comment and then says, “I’m just being honest,” you may feel inclined to accept their words, even though they make you feel bad.
- Don’t. Someone who gives you genuinely constructive criticism is actually rooting for you – they care about you, and they’re initiating a hard conversation to clue you in to something important.
What to say when a line has been crossed
Quickly alerting the other person to your feelings, concerns, or objections can stop an easily corrected misstep or misunderstanding from turning into something more.
- Four-part nonviolent communication process
- “I thought you should know…”
- “I wanted to bring something to your attention. The other day, I felt uncomfortable when I saw ______________.”
- “I need to share my experience of what went down, because I’d like you to understand how I feel.”
What to say to deflect nosy questions
You do not owe anyone your personal information
- If someone asks you how much money you make, say, “Not even close to what I’m worth.”
- To someone inquiring about your love life, respond, “I’d rather not discuss it right now. When I have news to share I’ll let you know.”
Script #3: What to say when someone is giving unsolicited advice
Begin with a qualifier: “I have a situation I want to share with you.”
- If you forget to use one of those qualifiers or worry that they’re too confrontational, you can still halt their auto-advice.
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