There are four main types of communicators: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, passive aggressive, assertive, and assertive. Understanding which type you gravitate toward and which one your partner uses can help you to learn how to navigate a conflict and improve your relationships in general.
Passive
This type of communicator tends to go along with others’ ideas and suggestions, dislike conflict and avoid confrontations by deferring to others
Passive-Aggressive
This person tends to be unable to effectively voice their thoughts and feelings, so they become easily frustrated, irritable, and resentful.
- They confuse others with this mismatch, and therefore tend to alienate them
- Learning communication styles can help you and your partner navigate conflict
Assertive
The self-confident person who is open, considerate, and has a clear sense of what they want to accomplish
Validate the other person’s feelings
When people get really frustrated, they’ll yell louder or in different ways because they don’t feel heard.
- Take a moment to let them know that you really hear their frustration, and you get it.
- Seek out a licensed therapist if needed.
How this plays out in a relationship
Passive people tend to bottle everything up and not take the lead
- This leaves the other person to plan the dates and vacations
- If both are passive this can spell doom for the relationship if one person is not proactive enough to bring up issues
Model the conversation
Model the type of conversation you would like to have
- Take steps to be the healthful communicator in the conversation by creating a safe space for your partner to express their feelings without judgment
- If your partner is being aggressive, try taking a more assertive approach whenever it’s your time to talk
Aggressive
This is the person who tends to be demanding, defensive, or hostile
Take a pause before responding
Reframe back to your partner what you hear them saying
- “Without any judgment or response or reaction, say, ‘Okay, so what it sounds like you’re saying is that when I didn’t call to tell you I was running late, you felt like that was really disrespectful because I knew you had a meeting going on?'”
Make sure your actions are matching your words
If you’re unhappy in your relationship, try not to be passive-aggressive and go along with your partner’s preferences if they clash with your own
- Be assertive and tell your partner that you want to split the mealtime duties
Bring in a professional
When communication styles clash to the point where you’re having the same arguments with the same continuous outcome
- Consider what she refers to as “your emotional bank account”
- If you feel your emotional account getting “scary low” it may be time to bring in a trained relationship therapist
How this plays out in a relationship
Passive-aggressive communicators often harbor subtle anger, and are aware of it
- They deny anything is wrong but hurl sarcastic barbs your way and give you the silent treatment
- A lot of the time, passive-aggressive partners aren’t even aware of the other person’s presence until they are upset
How this plays out in a relationship
Assertive communicators don’t come across as threatening but appear to listen and care
- They are good listeners and receivers of information, but have equal confidence and security in sharing their opinions, thoughts, and feelings
- Balance between sharing and speaking, and then listening and hearing
Figure out your own style
Try and identify your own default communication style as a first step.
- Next, try and take some steps to figure out how you can move more toward being an assertive communicator on your end.
- You can always change your communication style when you work on it.
