Embarking on a seemingly impossible quest, one man challenges the norms of adult friendships. Discover the trials, triumphs, and insights gleaned from his journey, as he navigates the complexities of forming meaningful connections in adulthood.
The author of We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends discusses the problem of male loneliness in the modern age
How men and women do friendships differently, the way men do theirs shoulder to shoulder, and why they require what he calls “velvet hooks.”
- Billy shares how he started his project, which experimented with different ways to recover and create connections, by rekindling his old friendships, but ultimately didn’t scratch the friendship itch for him.
Billy Baker: I tried a lot of things that were… I tried to reunite my high school class
I had this thought experiment where I was like, “What was the best day I remember from high school?” And it was Senior Skip Day when everyone ditched school at the same time, and we all felt like we were these real rebels
- As I was sitting in that beach chair, when I got there early, sitting in a chair in a field, fingers crossed that anyone was going to show up, that was as vulnerable as I’ve been in years. I was back in high school again, and you know what? That vulnerability was rewarding
Why are men so susceptible to loneliness?
The health consequences of loneliness
- Face-to-face versus shoulder to shoulder
- What are “velvet hooks”?
- Why re-kindling past friendships didn’t fully scratch the friendship itch
- How COVID managed to strengthen friendships
- Resources/Articles/People Mentioned
- “The Biggest Threat Facing Middle-Aged Men”
- Billy’s original article that went viral
Billy Baker: We did outdoor stuff.
A fire was the one thing we could do. We could light a fire on these cold nights, get together safely outside, and there’s something about sitting around a fire with guys that feels very primitive and nurturing.
- It was, I don’t know, these things, these simple moments of magic are what has really changed my life for the better.
The Art of Manliness Podcast:
Several years ago, there was a Tweet that went viral that said that Jesus had 12 close friends in his 30s
- The author of We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends, Billy Baker, set out to do the miraculous himself and make friends in middle-age
- He began his quest to make friends as a 40-year-old, middle-aged man, and was conned by an editor at the Boston Globe Magazine into writing the book
- His takeaways for making friends in adulthood were the need for intentionality and social risk, and the importance of having a good social life
When you’re pairing up, you get to a point where you’re getting serious with someone, and every guy gets that talk where they’re like, Alright, you need to stop spending so much time with the boys and start spending more time with me.
But then, after a while, the reverse happens, where the woman is like, You need to get out of the house and call so and so, and then they start full-time in person in a week, and they’re looking forward to just having daily friendship, and not having daily friends.
Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM podcast. As always, thank you for listening and please give us a review on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher Premium.
Please consider sharing this show with a friend or family member who you think would get something out of it. Until next time, Brett McKay
What are the dire health consequences of loneliness?
Your chances of dying go up dramatically if you don’t have a strong social circle.
- Loneliness is a perception. It’s this idea where the social connections you desire, don’t meet the ones you actually have.
- Right now, each generation of Americans is measurably lonelier than the ones that have come before, and our loneliest generation in American history is our youngest.
What goes missing in these vital years in the middle of life are these shoulder to shoulder opportunities.
Billy Baker: I think it happened without even noticing. I was doing the things that it seemed like I was supposed to be doing
- I had a good job, a wife and kids, and I was taking care of getting the groceries at the end of the day.
- But I think what I was guilty of was I just wasn’t budgeting any time in the daily calendar for friendship, and moved friendship into this category of things I do when the important stuff was over, and it’s never really over.
- And I think I was also guilty of putting a lot of pressure on my wife to be the keeper of the social calendar.
