Saying “I’m fine” when we aren’t can be a way to deny painful feelings, avoid conflicts, and pretend that we don’t have problems. To overcome avoiding feelings and problems, it can help notice and acknowledge feelings, and find a “safe” person to share feelings with.
Avoiding painful feelings
In general, codependents are uncomfortable with emotions.
- Most of us grew up in families where we weren’t allowed to be angry or sad. As a result, we learned to suppress our feelings and to numb them with food, alcohol, or other compulsive behaviors.
Overcoming Avoidance and Denial
If we want to truly feel better and create more authentic and satisfying relationships, we have to acknowledge that we’re not fine, that we are struggling, hurt, afraid, or angry, and that we have unmet needs.
- Moving out of denial can start with being more honest with yourself – journal, name your feelings, and find a safe person to be more authentic with.
Avoiding conflicts
We also pretend to be fine to avoid conflicts.
- Sharing our true feelings or opinions might cause someone to get angry with us-and that’s scary or at least uncomfortable
- It feels safer to pretend we’re fine and be a dependable, cheerful friend or an easy-going daughter who never complains or needs anything
Avoiding our problems
Pretending that we don’t have any problems, difficult emotions, or conflicts can be a form of denial
- We want others to think everything is working out great for us because we’re afraid of the shame, embarrassment, and judgment that might come if people knew the truth
- Denial is understandable. It seems easier to avoid difficult feelings and problems than to face them head-on
