Most of us haven’t been taught how to apologize, and our efforts tend to be vague, intrusive, demanding, or full of caveats that can leave the recipient of an apology feeling even worse. Here are six ways to offer an apology that can help heal, rather than cause additional harm.
Drop your defenses
Keep an open mind and listen with an explicit intention to understand the other person
- Try to wrap your brain around the essence of what the hurt party needs you to get
- Don’t listen for what you don’t agree with just to defend yourself and correct the facts
Apology is a beginning, not an end
An apology creates an opening. When done with attention and care, it can be a conduit for greater understanding and deeper connection.
- Remember, an apology is just the beginning. An opening can be the beginning of a deeper relationship.
Less is more
Keep your apology short and mind the histrionics
- Over-apologizing can disrupt the flow of the conversation and shift focus away from the person who needs to be attended to
- Do not hijack the hurt party’s emotionality and make the apology about you
Stay focused
Your attention when apologizing should be on the impact of your words or deeds.
- Zero in on the situation at hand and stay attuned to the needs of the person who is hurting
- “It’s not the two words ‘I’m sorry’ that heal the injury,” Lerner explains. “The hurt party wants to know that we really get it.”
